Yale-New Haven Support Groups

Common reactions to trauma, grief and bereavement

• Shock and denial. Feeling numb, stunned and dazed are healthy and normal reactions. Often, it is difficult to “take in” information. The appetite may disappear. People often feel completely exhausted, yet unable to sleep. The reverse may occur where people sleep most of the time. Feelings may range from fear and anxiety to guilt and depression. There are times some may feel they are going crazy. It is healthy to express true feelings in this stage. Some people find relief in crying and/or talking to others.
• Searching and yearning. During this time, the bereaved search for what was lost. It is during this period that the most bizarre behavior occurs. Guilt and anger are often a part of this phase, as people search for answers. It is important that the bereaved express feelings, including anger at God—if they have those feelings—jealousy and other strong emotions. They need not be ashamed of their feelings—anger turned inward becomes guilt and this leads to depression.
• Disorientation and disorganization. The appetite is poor, people lack motivation, have impaired judgment and experience insomnia. As the bereaved struggle to be relieved of disorientation there is a search to find the answer that feels right to them. A listening ear is the greatest gift to the bereaved. Society expects mourners to be healed quickly and support is often lacking after a short time. Others tend to avoid talking about the person who has died, when that is the thing that helps the bereaved most. During disorientation the self-image is lowered and the mourner often isolates himself/herself from others.
• Reorganization and restoration. This phase does not occur quickly. Here people begin to sort out suspicions and attempt to identify what was lost. There is a sense of release, renewed energy, more socialization, better judgments and more stable eating and sleeping habits. Readaptation to the loss does not mean forgetting. Adults can begin to restore emotional well being by acknowledging feelings, asking for support, reestablishing routines and reaching out to others. They can care for the needs of children by listening to their feelings and fears, providing information to clarify what occurred and whether it can affect their lives and by reestablishing routines that will comfort and reassure.

Complicating issues in sudden, unanticipated crisis or death

Complicating issues associated with traumatization:

• The capacity to cope is diminished.
• The assumptive world is violently shattered.
• The loss does not make sense.
• The mourner experiences a profound loss of security and confidence in the world affecting all areas of life.
• Symptoms of acute grief and physical and emotional shock persist for a prolonged period of time.

Complicating issues associated with loss of a loved one under sudden and unanticipated circumstances:

• There is no chance to say goodbye and finish unfinished business with the deceased.
• Disbelief about the loss interferes with the mourner’s ability to come to grips with the reality of the death and its implications.
• The mourner obsessively reconstructs events in retrospect.
• The death stimulates an intense search for meaning and often the burning need to determine responsibility, affix blame and mete out punishment for the loss.

Related resources:

• Coping with Disaster—Tips for Adults, National Mental Health Association
• Coping with Loss, National Mental Health Association
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, National Mental Health Association

Points to keep in mind when dealing with children in grief or trauma

• Children cannot sustain emotional pain for long period of time.
• Do not reject their emotions.
• Do not tell them how to feel or how not to feel.
• Allow the child to comfort you.
• Be patient—they may need to ask the same questions over and over.
• Maintain order and stability in the child’s life.
• Remember that children tend to idolize the dead. Help them gently regain balance and perspective.

Related resources:

• National Center for Children Exposed to Violence
• Helping Children Handle Disaster-Related Anxiety, National Mental Health Association
• "Peter Jennings Talks with Children," Answering Kids' Questions, ABC News Special

Resources for grief

AARP Grief and Loss Programs
601 E. Street, NW
Washington, DC 20049
AARP Grief Support Line: (866) 797-2277 (toll free 9 a.m. - 9 p.m. EST daily)
GriefandLoss.org

Association for Death Education and Counseling
638 Prospect Avenue
Hartford, CT 06105
(860) 586-7503
www.adec.org/

GriefNet Support Groups
Rivendell Resources
PO Box 3272
Ann Arbor, MI 48106-3272
(313) 761-1960
www.rivendell.org/

WidowNet
E-mail: goshorn@fortnet.org
www.fortnet.org/WidowNet/

Last revised: July 30, 2007 (LMc)

Home page URL: http://www.ynhh.org

All information is intended for your general knowledge and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. You should seek prompt medical care for any specific health issues and consult your physician before starting a new fitness regimen.